I miss him

Jimmy has said these words to me several times over the last 3 months while we went through the adoption process, while preparing everything, and then waiting for the time that we could bring our little boy home.
"I miss him too Jimmy", I would say "but we will go get him soon."

Now, I am faced with explaining to Jimmy why we cannot go get his little brother. He doesn't understand the laws of adoption. He only understands the feelings in his heart. He kept our little boy's picture in his wallet and showed it to everyone at the store, dr. offices, dentist, neighbors, and all of his friends at school. "This is my new baby brother" he would proudly say. He even had a map of Ukraine on his door.

I'm brokenhearted over losing our little boy also. I envisioned him everywhere we were. I saw him in the sandbox with Caleb, running across the backyard, in the backseat in his carseat. I thought of how we would have to put the leaf in the diningroom table to make room for his chair. I imagined many times him playing with the train set with Caleb and sitting with us on the couch while I read a story. I saw him in church on my lap. I imagined what it would be like to hold him while he fell asleep.
I miss him too....I will never stop loving him, he will always be in my heart.

For those of you who don't know why our adoption stopped so abruptly... Ukraine passed a law that said singles may no longer adopt. I am a single mom. That was it, one quick signature and I lost my little boy.

I trust in God that his plan for us will be perfect, even though I thought my plan of bringing our little boy home was perfect. I talk to God when I am crying, and also at times when I am hopeful to see what God 's plan is for us. Maybe there is a hidden angel for us that is just waiting somewhere. We'll have to see....

Meanwhile, I am trying to look forward and listen for God's word in everything around me. It has been a rough couple of weeks. Some of the hardest in my life, but I have felt God's presence at all times. I know that he is here when I am crying. He hears my prayers. I see his face when I look into Caleb's smiling face or Jimmy's beautiful eyes. I feel God's touch when Ben hugs me and tells me how sorry he is that this has happened.

I want to thank my family and friends who have reached out through prayer and have expressed their kind words to me during this time. You are all a blessing to us, and another example of God's love for us.