Missing Teddy

I hate losing a pet. It's about the hardest thing to go through for me. We do have other animals at home which have made the grieving process a little easier. But, I still find myself browsing the pet finder site hopelessly, looking for "another teddy". I know that I can't get another one that will take the place of him, but I guess I feel, if I adopt another senior Golden, I will have a piece of him with me still. And, then the flood of tears come, And, I question myself, knowing deep inside, I don't want "another Teddy", I want Teddy. :( So as difficult as it is, for me....I am going to get through this. (But, I will say that adopting another senior is very healing, and there are so many out there, that need love desperately. They should be able to live out the rest of their lives, with a family that loves them, and not in a shelter.)

One other thing that I have never mentioned before, is I carry a lot of guilt. Any time you have to put a pet to sleep, that decision weighs on you. And for me, it has been an enormous weight on me. I blame myself, I tell myself that I should have brought him back home, instead of letting them put him to sleep. I replay the last few hours with him, minutes, and seconds. I feel so bad, like I betrayed him.   
My mom shared this online and it really spoke to me,

Dear Mommy,
My last day was quite hard for you
I know it crushed your soul,
But what you did was right for me
Your braveness made me whole!
My body could not carry on
I used up all its play,
And in your heart, you knew it was
To be my final day!
With tears, you took me to our vet
With just a bit of hope,
But everyone agreed with you
My body could not cope!
I felt your arms around me, mom
Your love came shining through,
And as you cried those tears for me
I wanted to help you!
I tried real hard to wag my tail
And kiss you on your face,
For you were sending me to Him
With dignity and grace!
Oh mom, I had a special life
With you right from the start,
As your first kid, I’ll always be
Forever in your heart!
Let Michael and sweet Erin know
That from my cloud above,
I’ll always have my eyes on them
Protecting with my love!
For up here, I can see again
Still bumping into things,
They say it takes a little time
To work these Angel wings!
My body is now full of life
My puppyness is back,
My mind is sharp, my heart is full
There’s nothing that I lack!
Though yesterday was hard for you
I thank you for your choice,
I needed you to do this, mom
You had to be my voice!
With love and licks, Bentley
© Copyright 2018 Amy Comstock


There's a voice inside of me, that tells me I am being foolish. I have friends who have lost a child, and here I am completely distraught over losing my dog. So, I don't tell anyone on social media (other than the time right after he passed) that my grief is overwhelming, me. My blog, however, is mine. No judgment here. I miss him.  

Because of Teddy

Because of Teddy and the huge impact he made on my life, there will always be at least one senior dog living with our family at all times. My promise to him. He brought a lot of love in those 6 months that we had him. I never got to take a walk with him, because of his arthritis, but I laid down with him, many a nights and talked to him, and petted him, and sometimes I cried, listening to his heavy breathing. It's not easy taking in a senior pet, knowing that their days left, are few. But, it is worth it, and you will forever be grateful that you got to spend time with that precious animal. I would say about Teddy...better late than never. I would rather have 6 months with him at the end of his life, than to never have any time at all.

This was the last picture that I took of Teddy, in our home.

 I took him to the vet, later that day. And sadly, he didn't come back home with me.

My Teddy Bear

I made one of the absolute hardest decisions of my life, on Monday. I had to let Teddy go. He had lost all use of his back legs, and he was holding his urine, to avoid urinating on himself (The vet concluded this after an x-ray of his bladder.) He was in pain, I guess he was always in some amount of pain, while we had him. I gave him something for his joints, he had been on prednisone for a bit, I tried cbd oil, always hoping something would work, better than the last. We only had him for 6 months, but that 6 months forever changed me. Our lifestyle changed when Teddy came home. He was almost blind, and hard of hearing. It was hard for him to get up and move. So, we had to make sure nothing was in his path that would cause him to trip. He used to try and get out of the way when we came up to him, but learned that if he just laid there, we would walk around him. Our house is small and Teddy was 75 lbs. so we were always walking over and/or around him. None of this was bothersome, but my point is, aside from his loving good nature, there are so many things about him, that I am grieving. He would come into the kitchen around 3 pm every day and kinda give me that look, that meant he was ready for dinner. LOL I shredded his boiled chicken and mixed it with some small kibble. He didn't have many teeth, so his food was specially prepared, so to speak. He always wanted to be in the same room with me, so if I went to sit in my room on the bed, he would walk in and bark at me, until I came out with him. I thought it was the cutest thing. Sometimes, I would be in the bathroom and come out to find him barking at my bed. (Like I said, his eye sight was not so good. LOL) I would yell to him, and say: Teddy, I'm over here! He always cracked me up! He could not go down steps so well and with his poor eye sight, he did his business on the deck. And every day, I would go out and clean it up. I didn't mind, I just loved caring for him. I miss him so much! :( I have never let a dog sit by me at dinner time. Except for Teddy. Every night, he happily came to the table beside me, and every night I gave him some of what I was eating. I would tease him and tell him, he was only getting away with it, because he was 13 years old. I miss that too. I miss everything about him. He was loved, but he loved back even more. My heart hurts. I love you Teddy Bear, I will see you again one day, I promise.

Caleb's beginning

It's been 13 years since Caleb has joined our family. I remember everything about his Gotcha Day, in Russia. I had court, and our facilitator was not prepared. On the way to the courthouse, he grabbed an older gentleman off the street who was able to speak English, and had him be my interpreter in court. That. Really. Happened. Crazy. After court, I paid the man in private, because if Sergei had witnessed it, he would most likely con the guy out of his money. Sergei was like that, very sneaky, a liar, and very inappropriate. At every turn, he was telling me, that I had to give him money for this and that, or I wouldn't be able to adopt Caleb. He was a snake. (It wasn't until 3 years later, that I learned he never turned in 2 of my post placements. That was fixed by getting new ones apostilled again, and submitted by a different adoption facilitator.) Anyway, after court, I went straight to the orphanage to pick up Caleb. It felt so good to be walking out with him, after the 6 months of terror put upon me by Sergei. Nightmarish, is a perfect word to describe him. I was naive, and didn't know how adoptions worked, and he kept me terrified of losing Caleb, to keep the money flowing.

Caleb's adoption was difficult, but well worth it. He came from a very small military town. People there were very poor. His orphanage had buggies(stroller) that looked like they came from the 50's, no toilet paper, no swings on the swing set, nothing. I sat in a meeting with the director during my first trip, and she was given some donations of clothes in a duffle bag. At the bottom of the bag, they found an expired bottle of ear drops. Weird, I know. But, she took them and said she needed them for the children. I never saw any other children, but Sergei assured me during one visit that one of them needed surgery and told me they needed $100 immediately for it. I paid it. Yes, I know, stupid, because I know it went straight into his pocket. At the time, I did not.
Once out of the orphanage, Caleb was so curious to see everything, he looked out the window of the car, the entire time, when he wasn't standing up yelling out the back window. He wanted to let everyone know, that he was free, I imagine. :) I thought about his birth family. I'm sure they couldn't have been more than a couple miles away, at the time. I wished so badly, that I could tell them, how much Caleb was loved already, and how well I would take care of him and give him a good life. But, I was told, that no, that could never happen. So we drove away from that little town, with me trying to take in as much as I could, to try and remember it all. This was where my son was born, this was his beginning in life.

All he wanted to do was go outside. That day was sad, because Sergei kept lying about which day court was. It was supposed to be that day, and it wasn't. I demanded to go see Caleb, so he sent me there in a car. I was heartbroken, I couldn't take Caleb outside. :(

This was the house across the parking lot from the orphanage. 

Such poverty across this country, that most people never see. They think of Russia and they think of Moscow. It's a much different atmosphere once you leave Moscow.

Here is Caleb's orphanage. They basically had nothing, not even toilet paper. There was a stack of old papers beside the toilet to use instead.

In case of a fire at the orphanage. Crazy. 

Not sure how old these were, but these were used for the babies still. I was there in 2005.

Finally! I had court, and then was driven right away to the orphanage to pick up Caleb. 

This was the first time in 6 months, that things went right!

All dressed in his new clothes and boy, was he ready!

Saying good-bye to the orphanage director. 

She didn't know what to think. 

No one came for handicapped children. 

Caleb was the first in this area.

Squirt

I have really failed at this blogging thing terribly. I just realized that I never even posted Christmas, last year. So, I definitely need to get my act together. I adopted another dog. I say I, because it's always my doing, but the boys do seem to love when a new one comes home. We adopted another older dog, which I have learned are really the best dogs to bring home. They are usually house broken, don't chew up things, and know most commands. And Squirt is no different. He is awesome and so sweet. He had lived with an elderly lady his entire 10 years and recently she had to move and give up her sweet dogs. The younger dog was adopted, and then I learned about Squirt. He's a sweet boy who gets along with everyone. And we all love him to pieces. 

The first picture I saw of Squirt, 

and he captured my heart.

First night home

Our senior puppies

He's very fond of the couch. LOL

Teddy today

Teddy has been with us for almost 6 weeks. He had a thorough exam that included blood work, parasite testing and an urinalysis. Everything came back pretty good. At first, the vet and I were unsure about how Teddy would do with anesthesia, and I wasn't about to find out. But, Teddy's teeth not just needed cleaning, he had many that were rotten and clearly causing him some pain. He couldn't chew hardly at all. So, I decided to schedule him for a dental cleaning and take out the rotten teeth. I was worried, but I know what mouth pain feels like and for me at least, it is the worst pain there is. Well, Teddy did great! They cleaned his teeth and removed 12 of them. They also shaved the rest of his mats off, and trimmed his nails, and also cleaned his ears and applied more meds. inside them. Today is post-surgery, day 6, and he is doing fantastic! 

Our Teddy Bear

Over the weekend, I learned that a 13 year old Golden Retriever mix, was sitting in a shelter, in Indiana. I saw him online, and couldn't get him out of my mind. So I applied to adopt him. His fees were waived because of his age, and I thought most likely, he had already been adopted. So I was surprised on Monday morning, when I got the call that he was available and we were approved! He came to the shelter a few weeks ago, a stray, in rough shape. He had ear infections, bad teeth, dirty and full of mats. He's very hard of hearing, and I'm not sure how well his sight is, in his left eye. He also has some hip problems/pain. (I got a joint supplement for him, and have started that today.) He's going to the vet on Tuesday. But, he is the sweetest boy, and he was more than happy to come home with us today! His hair still has some mats and needs to be trimmed more, and he needs a bath too, but I couldn't wait to share him with all of you. Meet our new sweet boy, Teddy! We hope to make the rest of his life happy and full of love. And I know, that we will get so much more love in return! ❤️